Crossroad

Today, I find myself at a crossroad.

A year ago I started this blog with the genuine intention to help others in similar situations – to help them to feel less isolated. But also to help raise awareness for everyone else, to help them better understand the people in their lives suffering from chronic illnesses.

My intentions were pure, my goal simple. But honesty has a price, one I have paid many times over.

So, here I am. Still unemployed and using this time to focus entirely on getting my health to an at least manageable state before I jump back into work – so that I can give 100% of myself and my performance to my next employer.

I am a good worker, an ethical worker – but I am also a good person. I’m not bragging, just being real. After all, that is exactly what this blog is about.

Yesterday I received an email from WordPress, stating that my premium plan for my blog would expire in 30 days, and that I should renew before it causes any interruptions to my service. So now I find myself sitting here weighing up the risks of continuing, and the risks of not.

I think I lost a part of myself this year. I lost my good health, I lost people, I simply lost my way. But I also found freedom, independence, and strength. But I still find myself extremely fearful to continue losing, and what that could cost me as a person.

My blog is public, it’s well known. Potential employers could openly read it, as could potential new partners. Would anyone want to hire the sick girl? Would anyone want to spend their life with her? I always thought giving everything of myself was enough, that putting others best interests first and showing unconditional love was enough – but alas, it is not… Not in the real world. No matter how much we give, we’re still susceptible to loss and abandonment… To grief. We are all, after all, only human.

So, do I want to continue this blog, continue with my mission to help others, continue to feed my passion for the truth… And do I want to open myself up to more loss? Or do I stop things here, give myself a chance to gain instead of lose, or would that simply ring false?

I am sick, right now that’s my reality. Is there any point pretending otherwise? Is there any point trying to prove my worth despite my illness? Or should I simply prove my worth with my illness?

My confusion is genuine – I am stuck in two minds, as I have constantly found myself battling ambivalence over the past couple of years.

Where do I go from here? Do I continue being Laura in Real Life, or simply be Laura?

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