I’ve had a few people ask if I’m okay, or check in with my family to make sure I’m not depressed. Apparantly my stories make me sound that way.
I assure you, that is not my intention and that definitely is not the case in the slightest. I mean hey, I’ve definitely had my low points. But who of us hasn’t?
I started this blog because I am happy and confident in who I am. I’m not afraid to be an open book and share my story if it means I could be helping someone else, to help them feel less isolated in their own journey if nothing else, or to help someone who hasn’t experienced these things understand them better. I started this blog to be undeniably real. Yes, my health issues have been a battle and a half, and I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t felt depressed at times. But right at this very moment, and in general, I’m far from it.
I’ve experienced a lot in my 29 short years on earth, mostly from a young age. But really I think that’s only made me more resilient. When my health went downhill, that opened up a whole different can of worms for me, and I didn’t really know how to deal. My first instinct was to aggressively and persistently fight to find answers, even to the point where I was fighting against my friends and family, and isolating myself because that was my sole focus. After that came hopelessness and I’d say a bit of grief too. I’ve even gone through the stage of anger. But then came acceptance, and along with that, freedom.
I’d even hazard to say that I’ve never felt more free in my entire life. I’ve never felt more alive, and I’ve never felt more in tune with the world around me. Physically I am weighed down and limited to what my body will allow me to do on any given day, and that’s hard. But mentally, I’m all good!
I’m not who I was two years ago, that’s for sure. But that’s a good thing. I’ve learnt to fight for myself, against everyone and everything if necessary. I’ve learnt that I am my best advocate, but that I could also use my voice to advocate for others. I’ve learnt to appreciate each good day and each good moment that I get, because I may be abrubtly bedridden again at any given moment. I’ve learnt to be kind, and how the simplest act of kindness can impact someone else profoundly. Most of all I’ve learnt to love myself first, and be patient with any limitations I may have, and just be happy with who I am.
I mean yeah, if you call that depressed, count me in! 😜 But in reality, I’m just being me!